Cow

Politics explained with cows.

• ALTERNATIVE- CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.
• ANARCHO-INDIVIDUALISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
• ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
• ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
• ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
• ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors riot and kill you for trying to sell the milk.
• ANARCHO-CHRISTIANISM: You have two cows. God takes care of them and gives you the milk.
• ANOMIE: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.
• ANOMIE:You have two cows. your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
• ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.
• ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.
• BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.
• BRITISH: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
• BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.
• BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
• BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.
• BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.
• BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.
• CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.
• CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You take care of them and sell the extra milk.
• CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate. Then the government declares war to the cows and kills all of them.
• CAPITALISM - AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. Soon you have more cows then you know what to do with. You put half the cows in a trust fund for under-priviledged children and then buy most of Arizona and irrigate all of the deserts. Life is good. Then the governments suspects your cows of being high, and kills all of them.
• CAPITALISM - ENRON:You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.Wall Street analysts rate you a strong buy. The public buys your bull.
• CAPITALISM - BRAZIL: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
• CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
• CAPITALISM - SWEDISH: You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.
• CAPITALISM - JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class.You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
• CAPITALISM - SWISS: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.
• CAPITALISM - WALL STREET: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.
• CAPITALISM - WALL STREET: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business. You loose your business and you loose your cows.
• CAPITALISM -- INTERVENTIONIST: You have two cows. you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.
• CAPITALISM -- INDUSTRIAL: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
• CAPITALISM - DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
• CAPITALISM - REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
• CAPITALISM - POOR: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
• CAPITALISM - RICH: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
• CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
• CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.
• CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.
• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.
• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a little milk ... once.
• COMMUNISM - CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
• COMMUNISM - CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.
• COMMUNISM - MODERN CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.
• COMMUNISM - CHINESE: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
• COMMUNISM - CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).
• COMMUNISM - MAO: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.
• COMMUNISM -- MAO: You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them.
• COMMUNISM -- CASTRO: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.
• COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.
• COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.
• COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.
• COMMUNISM - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.
• COMMUNISM -- RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.
• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN:You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows, open another bottle of vodka, and instead decide to focus on how many apples you are holding in your hands.
• COMMUNISM - REALITY: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
• COMMUNISM - BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
• COMMUNISM - STALIN: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?
• COMMUNISM - LENIN: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are also shot as counter- revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.