Cow

Politics explained with cows.

• ALTERNATIVE- CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these

two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.

• ANARCHO-INDIVIDUALISM: You have two cows. The cows decide

you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

• ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
• ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Either you sell

the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

• ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors

riot and kill you for trying to sell the milk.

• ANARCHO-CHRISTIANISM: You have two cows. God takes care

of them and gives you the milk.

• ANOMIE: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over

the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.

• ANOMIE:You have two cows. your neighbor on your left

takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

• ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy

one really big cow - with a pedigree.

• ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and

put them in glass display boxes. In London.

• BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to

sell them in Europe.

• BRITISH: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet

to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

• BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.
• BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government

regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

• BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you

fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

• BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The

EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.

• BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The

government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.

• CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of

them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

• CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You take care of them

and sell the extra milk.

• CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one

of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

• CAPITALISM - AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one,

buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. Soon you have more cows then you know what to do with. You put half the cows in a trust fund for under-priviledged children and then buy most of Arizona and irrigate all of the deserts. Life is good.

• CAPITALISM - ENRON:You have two cows. You sell three

of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.Wall Street analysts rate you a strong buy. The public buys your bull.

• CAPITALISM - BRAZIL: You have two cows. You enter into

a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

• CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three

of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

• CAPITALISM - SWEDISH: You have two cows. You bought them

from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.

• CAPITALISM - JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign

them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class.You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

• CAPITALISM - SWISS: You have 5000 cows, none of which

belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

• CAPITALISM - WALL STREET: You have two cows. You sell

one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

• CAPITALISM - WALL STREET: You have two cows. You sell

one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business. You loose your business and you loose your cows.

• CAPITALISM -- INTERVENTIONIST: You have two cows. you

sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

• CAPITALISM -- INDUSTRIAL: You have two cows. You sell

one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

• CAPITALISM - DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor

has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

• CAPITALISM - REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor

has none. So?

• CAPITALISM - POOR: You don't have any cows. The bank

will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

• CAPITALISM - RICH: You have two cows. You sell one and

buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

• CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding

them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

• CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk

and embalm the cows.

• CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up,

and charge people to look at them.

• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both

of them and gives you part of the milk.

• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both

cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.

• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and

gives you a little milk ... once.

• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both

and gives you spoiled milk.

• COMMUNISM - CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government

takes both and shoots you.

• COMMUNISM - CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government

sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

• COMMUNISM - MODERN CHINESE: You don't have any cows.

The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

• COMMUNISM - CHINESE: You have two cows. You have 300

people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

• COMMUNISM - CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care

of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

• COMMUNISM - MAO: You have two pigs. The government launches

a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

• COMMUNISM -- MAO: You have two bulls. Several people

are killed while attempting to milk them.

• COMMUNISM -- CASTRO: Fidel Castro has two cows. They

are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

• COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you

some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

• COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They

sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

• COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors

help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

• COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors

help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.

• COMMUNISM - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. The government

takes them both and provides you with milk.

• COMMUNISM -- RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to

take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to take

care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them

and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

• COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN:You have two cows. You count them

and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

• You stop counting cows, open another bottle of vodka,

and instead decide to focus on how many apples you are holding in your hands.

• COMMUNISM - REALITY: You share two cows with your neighbors.

You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

• COMMUNISM - BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government

seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

• COMMUNISM - STALIN: You have two cows. You are shot as

a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag.The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?

• COMMUNISM - LENIN: You have two cows. You are shot as

a counter-revolutionary. The cows are also shot as counter- revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.

• COOPERATION: You have two cows. The government taxes

you to the point that you have to sell both. Your tax is used to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was originally one of yours, a free gift from your government.

• CHRISTIAN-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You keep one

and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

• DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who

gets the milk.

• DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the

cows win.

• DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to

ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

• DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors

pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.

• DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows.

The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

• DEMOCRACY - FLORIDA: You have a black cow and a brown

cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

• DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN: The government promises to give

you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

• DEMOCRACY - AUSTRALIAN: You have two cows. The government

nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production and control the price of milk.You throw a huge beef barbie (barbecue), with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field. You still have two cows.

• DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them

sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

• DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your

neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

• DEMOCRACY - PARLIAMENTARY: You have two cows. Politicians

decide who gets the milk.

• DICTATORSHIP - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. The government

orders you to drink their milk.

• DICTATORSHIP - REALITY: You have two cows. The government

orders you to shoot them.

• EDUCATIONALISM You have two cows. You pay for them to

go to university. They come home as philosophy graduates and want to debate "The Morality Of Milk In A Cross-Species Society". Giving milk is now beneath their station in life anyway.

• ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans

you from milking or killing them.

• EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares

them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

• EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops

a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

• EUGENISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so

they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

• FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,

hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

• FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the

government and the government sells it.

• FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one

away and presses it into military service.

• FASCISM - CORPORATE: You have two cows. The State takes

both; their cronies form a corporation, hire you to take care of the cows and sell you the milk.

• FASCISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both

and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

• FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of

the milk.

• FEUDALISM: Your lord lends you two cows. He takes most

of the milk and leaves you some.

• FAMILISM: You have two cows. You get married and your

partner milks them.

• FEMINISM -- You have two cows, you declare an amazonian

state free of bull oppression and sit around waiting for the cows to hump each other.

• FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt

a veal calf.

• FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies

up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

• INDIA: You have two cows. You worship them.
• ITALIAN: You have two cows but you don't know where they

are. While ambling around looking for the cows, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

• IDEALISM : You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.

He then steals your cow and kills you.

• INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both

and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

• LAWYERISM: You see two cows and note that their milk

has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of court for £1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five quid each. You get the rest. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk and shoots his cows. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op, the distributor and the retailer all go out of business.

• LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none

of your business.

• LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read

the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

• MARXISM-LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow

the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

• MEXICO: You think you have two cows, but you don't know

what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

• MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. the government takes

both and drafts you.

• MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. the army orders you

to shoot them so that the enemy can't eat them.

• MONARCHY: You have two cows. You give some milk to the

King/Queen.

• NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both

and then shoots you.

• NAZISM: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they

are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk which they milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

• NIHILISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they

want.

• NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes

both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

• PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.
• PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell

the milk to Mexico.

• PERESTROIKA : You have two cows. You have to take care

of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

• PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other

cows to milk.

• PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows.

Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

• POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the

concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. 

• PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull

from another country.

• REALISATIONALISM You have two cows. They are for their

calves, their milk was never meant for human consumption!

• REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should

have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

• SOCIAL-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both

to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

• SOCIAL-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You give away

one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

• SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one

of them and gives it to your neighbor.

• SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

• SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

• SOCIALISM - COOPERATIVE: You have two cows. The government

takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

• SOCIALISM - FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike

because you want three cows.

• SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?
• SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires

you to take harmonica lessons.

• SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints

one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

• TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government

makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

• TALIBANISM: Nobody has anything. The government shoots

you in the soccer stadium.

• TALIBANISM: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which

is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you milk both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

• TOTATITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes

them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

• THEOCRACY - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. You get all

the milk. You love God, He loves you.

• THEOCRACY - REALITY: You have two cows. The priest takes

all your milk to offer it to God and drinks it.

• UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you

from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

• UTOPIANISM -- You have two cows. Mother Nature zaps the

cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.