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| (9 versions intermédiaires par le même utilisateur non affichées) |
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| Politics explained with cows.
| | #REDIRECT [[en:Cow]] |
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| <br/>ALTERNATIVE- CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these
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| two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.
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| <br/>ANARCHO-INDIVIDUALISM: You have two cows. The cows decide
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| you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their
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| own society.
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| <br/>ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and
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| buy a bull.
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| <br/>ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Either you sell
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| the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill
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| you.
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| <br/>ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors
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| riot and kill you for trying to sell the milk.
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| <br/>ANARCHO-CHRISTIANISM: You have two cows. God takes care
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| of them and gives you the milk.
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| <br/>ANARCHY: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over
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| the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You
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| later discover that he is a Nazi.
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| <br/>ANARCHY:You have two cows. your neighbor on your left
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| takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard
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| neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
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| <br/>ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy
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| one really big cow - with a pedigree.
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| <br/>ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and
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| put them in glass display boxes. In London.
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| <br/>BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to
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| sell them in Europe.
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| <br/>BRITISH: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet
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| to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem
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| from BSE in your country.
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| <br/>BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.
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| <br/>BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government
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| regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays
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| you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
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| pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
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| for the missing cows.
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| <br/>BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you
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| fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.
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| <br/>BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The
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| EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.
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| <br/>BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The
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| government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico
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| and forgets to milk the other.
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| <br/>CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of
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| them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You take care of them
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| and sell the extra milk.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one
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| of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell
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| the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one,
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| buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. Soon you have more cows then you
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| know what to do with. You put half the cows in a trust fund for under-priviledged
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| children and then buy most of Arizona and irrigate all of the deserts.
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| Life is good.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - ENRON:You have two cows. You sell three
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| of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened
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| by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
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| an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
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| tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
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| via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
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| shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
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| company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
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| on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving
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| you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.Wall Street
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| analysts rate you a strong buy. The public buys your bull.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - BRAZIL: You have two cows. You enter into
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| a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and
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| the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three
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| of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened
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| by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with
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| associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
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| deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred
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| via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned
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| by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk
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| back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns
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| eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows
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| because the feng shui is bad.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - SWEDISH: You have two cows. You bought them
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| from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows
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| last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign
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| them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
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| times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost
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| all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class.You then create clever
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| cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - SWISS: You have 5000 cows, none of which
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| belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk,
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| you tell no one.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - WALL STREET: You have two cows. You sell
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| one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force
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| the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one
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| cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have
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| reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - WALL STREET: You have two cows. You sell
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| one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your
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| share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business.
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| You loose your business and you loose your cows.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM -- INTERVENTIONIST: You have two cows. you
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| sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government
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| who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM -- INDUSTRIAL: You have two cows. You sell
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| one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised
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| when it drops dead.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor
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| has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office
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| who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
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| The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give
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| it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor
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| has none. So?
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - POOR: You don't have any cows. The bank
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| will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to
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| put up as collateral.
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| <br/>CAPITALISM - RICH: You have two cows. You sell one and
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| buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them
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| and retire on the income.
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| <br/>CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding
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| them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
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| <br/>CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk
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| and embalm the cows.
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| <br/>CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up,
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| and charge people to look at them.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
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| of them and gives you part of the milk.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
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| cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford
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| the milk. You wither away.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and
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| gives you a little milk ... once.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
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| and gives you spoiled milk.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government
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| takes both and shoots you.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government
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| sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - MODERN CHINESE: You don't have any cows.
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| The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - CHINESE: You have two cows. You have 300
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| people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,
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| and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care
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| of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal
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| some of it back (before someone else does).
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - MAO: You have two pigs. The government launches
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| a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat
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| for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't
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| need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red
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| book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your
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| local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your
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| neighbors starve.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- MAO: You have two bulls. Several people
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| are killed while attempting to milk them.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- CASTRO: Fidel Castro has two cows. They
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| are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow,
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| "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum
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| by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could
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| admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you
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| some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region
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| with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become
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| malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he
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| is talking about.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They
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| sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors
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| help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors
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| help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the
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| local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so
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| that there is more milk for everyone else.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. The government
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| takes them both and provides you with milk.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM -- RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to
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| take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government
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| sends you to prison.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to take
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| care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as
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| much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them
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| and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them
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| again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have
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| 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce
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| your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes
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| over however many cows you really have.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - RUSSIAN:You have two cows. You count them
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| and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
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| cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
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| <br/>You stop counting cows, open another bottle of vodka,
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| and instead decide to focus on how many apples you are holding in your
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| hands.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - REALITY: You share two cows with your neighbors.
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| You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who
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| has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and
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| the cows drop dead of starvation.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government
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| seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get
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| it. It is expensive and sour.
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - STALIN: You have two cows. You are shot as
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| a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag.The milk? What milk?
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| Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?
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| <br/>COMMUNISM - LENIN: You have two cows. You are shot as
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| a counter-revolutionary. The cows are also shot as counter- revolutionary.
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| The Proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois
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| liquids.
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| <br/>COOPERATION: You have two cows. The government taxes
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| you to the point that you have to sell both. Your tax is used to support
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| a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was originally one
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| of yours, a free gift from your government.
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| <br/>CHRISTIAN-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You keep one
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| and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who
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| gets the milk.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the
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| cows win.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to
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| ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors
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| pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border
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| guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged
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| for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no
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| violence.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows.
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| The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who
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| are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their
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| representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various
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| checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the
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| three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see,
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| e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows
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| and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the
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| people and the checks and balances mentioned above.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY - FLORIDA: You have a black cow and a brown
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| cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like
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| the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some
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| people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
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| Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking
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| one.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN: The government promises to give
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| you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached
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| for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY - AUSTRALIAN: You have two cows. The government
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| nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing
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| field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers
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| union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the
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| number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists
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| privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing
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| field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to
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| cut production and control the price of milk.You throw a huge beef barbie
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| (barbecue), with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers
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| union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field.
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| You still have two cows.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them
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| sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your
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| neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
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| <br/>DEMOCRACY - PARLIAMENTARY: You have two cows. Politicians
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| decide who gets the milk.
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| <br/>DICTATORSHIP - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. The government
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| orders you to drink their milk.
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| <br/>DICTATORSHIP - REALITY: You have two cows. The government
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| orders you to shoot them.
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| <br/>EDUCATIONALISM You have two cows. You pay for them to
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| go to university. They come home as philosophy graduates and want to debate
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| "The Morality Of Milk In A Cross-Species Society". Giving milk is now beneath
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| their station in life anyway.
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| <br/>ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans
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| you from milking or killing them.
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| <br/>EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares
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| them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making
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| Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit). | |
| <br/>EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops
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| a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You
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| sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.
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| <br/>EUGENISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so
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| they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
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| <br/>FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,
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| hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
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| <br/>FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the
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| government and the government sells it.
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| <br/>FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one
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| away and presses it into military service.
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| <br/>FASCISM - CORPORATE: You have two cows. The State takes
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| both; their cronies form a corporation, hire you to take care of the cows
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| and sell you the milk.
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| <br/>FASCISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both
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| and
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| sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
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| <br/>FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of
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| the milk.
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| <br/>FEUDALISM: Your lord lends you two cows. He takes most
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| of the milk and leaves you some.
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| <br/>FAMILISM: You have two cows. You get married and your
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| partner milks them.
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| <br/>FEMINISM -- You have two cows, you declare an amazonian
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| state free of bull oppression and sit around waiting for the cows to hump
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| each other.
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| <br/>FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt
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| a veal calf.
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| <br/>FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies
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| up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.
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| <br/>INDIA: You have two cows. You worship them.
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| <br/>ITALIAN: You have two cows but you don't know where they
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| are. While ambling around looking for the cows, you see a beautiful woman.
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| You break for lunch. Life is good.
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| <br/>IDEALISM : You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.
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| He then steals your cow and kills you.
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| <br/>INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both
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| and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
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| <br/>LAWYERISM: You see two cows and note that their milk
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| has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant
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| people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional
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| dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of
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| court for £1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five quid
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| each. You get the rest. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk and
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| shoots his cows. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op, the distributor
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| and the retailer all go out of business.
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| <br/>LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none
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| of your business.
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| <br/>LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read
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| the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about
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| government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the
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| cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because
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| they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
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| <br/>MARXISM-LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow
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| the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary
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| state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked
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| on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value,
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| exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.
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| <br/>MEXICO: You think you have two cows, but you don't know
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| what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
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| <br/>MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. the government takes
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| both and drafts you.
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| <br/>MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. the army orders you
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| to shoot them so that the enemy can't eat them.
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| <br/>MONARCHY: You have two cows. You give some milk to the
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| King/Queen.
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| <br/>NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
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| and then shoots you.
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| <br/>NAZISM: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they
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| are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk which they
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| milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also
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| demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
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| <br/>NIHILISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they
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| want.
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| <br/>NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
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| both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The
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| government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.
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| <br/>PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.
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| <br/>PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell
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| the milk to Mexico.
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| <br/>PERESTROIKA : You have two cows. You have to take care
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| of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk
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| as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
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| <br/>PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other
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| cows to milk.
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| <br/>PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows.
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| Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
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| <br/>POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the
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| concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering,
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| intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society)
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| bovines of nonspecified gender.
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| <br/>PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull
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| from another country.
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| <br/>REALISATIONALISM You have two cows. They are for their
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| calves, their milk was never meant for human consumption!
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| <br/>REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should
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| have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them
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| up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece
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| of cow.
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| <br/>SOCIAL-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both
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| to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to
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| the poor.
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| <br/>SOCIAL-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You give away
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| one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them
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| both away.
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| <br/>SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one
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| of them and gives it to your neighbor.
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| <br/>SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government
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| takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are
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| cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens
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| the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you
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| as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
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| <br/>SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government
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| takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have
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| to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as
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| you need.
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| <br/>SOCIALISM - COOPERATIVE: You have two cows. The government
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| takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell
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| him how to manage his.
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| <br/>SOCIALISM - FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike
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| because you want three cows.
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| <br/>SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?
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| <br/>SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires
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| you to take harmonica lessons.
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| <br/>SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints
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| one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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| <br/>TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government
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| makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious
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| symbols."
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| <br/>TALIBANISM: Nobody has anything. The government shoots
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| you in the soccer stadium.
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| <br/>TALIBANISM: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which
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| is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
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| parts. At night when no one is looking, you milk both of them. Then you
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| kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
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| <br/>TOTATITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes
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| them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
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| <br/>THEOCRACY - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. You get all
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| the milk. You love God, He loves you.
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| <br/>THEOCRACY - REALITY: You have two cows. The priest takes
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| all your milk to offer it to God and drinks it.
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| <br/>UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you
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| from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking
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| you. New Zealand abstains.
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| <br/>UTOPIANISM -- You have two cows. Mother Nature zaps the
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| cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.
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